England

From Chakuwiki

England, also known as the United Kingdom, is the capital country of Europa.

• The official language of England is not English, but British.
• England has seceded from the more widely known global power, London
• England is separated from Great Britain by the Earl Gray Tea Ocean.
• In answer to the Texan's question: it takes over 4 hours to drive from England to Texas
• All English people have high tea together and talk about things like the war and her majesty while eating cucumber sandwiches.
• When not having high tea, some English people eat fish and chips, then take the grease-soaked paper the food was in and put it up in their windowpaines in lieu of glass. This is considered a low-class thing to do.
• English beer is not, in fact, served warm. It is served piping hot, which means hot enough to cook a chicken in it, thus hungry pub-goers invented beer-battered deep fried food (see fish and chips).
• The country is so overcrowded that the British are practically tripping over each other. This is why all Englishmen know your friend in London (which is in the United Kingdom, not England). If you go to Liverpool, you will meet the Queen.
• England has a monsoon season lasting all year. Consequently, most Britons (Englishmen) do not know what the sun is.
• Someone wrote that the British think they are superior because they think they are the only ones using a two-tier currency system but that can't be true because even the French do that.
• England has badgers and snakes[1], but they do not like each other.
• Lions and snakes also do not like each other, which is okay for the snakes because Kenya is a long way from England.
• All the children in England have been plunged into a state of advanced depression by an evil perpetrator known only as JKR. Top psychologists remain baffled; anyone with knowledge of he/she hopes to gain by this plot, please contact your nearest bobby.
• England's chief exports are umbrellas, derby hats and fog.
• Many people mistakenly believe that English people have bad teeth. In fact, they have no teeth at all and must therefore gum their food. This explains what passes for British cuisine, as well as the expression "by gum."
• The reason England almost took over the entire world with their "British" Empire was due entirely to their secret weapon 'the cup of tea' which helps deal with any problem.
• There are officially 3 gay people in England, the Bill Of Constitutions (more specifically the 3rd Amendment) had stated that Gay Marriages would be allowed when the number is 4, in order to lesssen the chances of extramarital affairs. Unfortunately the President of England was tricked into thinking there were 4 people (and rushing the Act through The House Of Common Englanders) when a certain R.Williams convinced a popular newspaper he was gay. He subsequently denied his claim and won major cash damages from the English National Defamation Lottery by including with his claim a guess at the number of Corgis that Her Majesty Queen walked on a certain date.
• In the City Of London (confusingly located 35 miles from The Real City Of London (tm)) one 12km street contains the largest concentration of Coffee Roasters and Grinders outside Dubai. The beans are delivered daily direct from Brazil - often still by horsedrawn narrowboat, although motorised craft are steadily increasing in populatrity. Many cite this to be due to the collapse of HorseShoe, the ubiquitous subsidised high street farriers business that is one year into a disasterous trasfer from public to private ownership.
• Every month, each Briton must complete an opinion poll regarding their favourite portrait of Her Majesty The Queen. When the President oF England tried to stop this perhaps old fashioned custom, there were major riots in high class areas of London.
• Britain is home to the Chav, a society formed by years of inbreeding, drinking Carlsberg Special Brew and smoking while pregnant. Chav children and teenagers are protected under the law to do whatever the hell they like. A social creature, they tend to congregate in packs of ten, led by a dominant Alpha (noticeable by a cap doffed at the highest angle and most potent odour). This pack will stalk the most vulnerable prey possible, preferably alone or with a mobile phone they can sell down the market so they can buy more glue to sniff. However, alone, the Chav is weak and vulnerable, relying on the rallying cry of the Chav, 'I'll get my bruvva to deck you, you fuckin ponce'.
• Chavs are frequently used as an argument for eugenics. Unfortunately, they are not a race, so they cannot be subjected to ethnic cleansing. Also, Slobodan Milosevic is dead so there aren't many candidates to do that particular dirty work. If the American government decides to let off Saddam Hussein and give him weapons again like Rumsfeld did back in the days of Bush Snr., they should consider targeting the centre of all evil, Gravesend. Oil is also an attractive prospect here, most chavs have abundant reserves of light crude on their acne-riddled faces.
• To the left of London there is a town named Wales which is owned by the Queens Son, Prince Charles The Great. Wales has a population of 12 people. All the men are members of the Male Voice Choir. The favorate food of Wales is Guacamole. Wales is so mountainous that there is only one main road in and out, and they still do not have colour TV.
• 25% of all English Children under 14 work in a coal mine.

• Sneadham

• It is a common joke in Europa that the English people have posh accents. This is not true; we all use slang apart, even the Queen. It is rumoured her favourite slang word is 'douchebag'.
• The official religion of England is Football. Minor sects are Dogging and House-buying.