Sneadham

From Chakuwiki

The Palatine Peculiar of Sneadham lies in the Wash of England, between Norfolk and Lincolnshire, to each of which it has road connections. It does not, however, appear on maps because it is, technically, not English soil, but the English government are, and have for centuries been, keen to prevent it being known that Sneadham exists.

In 847 a group of Viking raiders, led by Sorri Littleman, landed (ior ran aground) on what was then a tidal shoal. Such was the loyalty of his men to Sorri that 18 of them transferred to the next longship which passed, and Sorri, and the remaining 4 crew, were left, incapable of forcing their way free. With the next high tide, they drifted off the shoal, but by that time the news had come back that the Saxons on the shore had repulsed the Viking attack, and the other ships were retreating. That Sorri had escaped the shoal was, of course, unknown to the others, and, perhaps out of a sense of wanting to get something out of the day, they chose to sail close enough to him to be able easily to mock him. With the falling tide, the shoal was re-emerging, but in the failijng light this was not evident and fully six ships grounded before Sorri, too overcome with mirth to give the requisite orders, fell victim once more to the plunging levels.

Of the seven ships, three, including Sorri's, proved beyond recovery, by reason of springing their seams, and had to be abandoned. Which would have ended the story except that jealousy and general malaise led the other Vikings to strand Sorri there, amongst the wrecks. For three days and night he clung to the wrecked ships, as the tide rose and fell, until finally a braver-than-average Englishman put out in a small boat in answer to his plaintive cries. The law at that time required that no Vikings be allowed ashore whilst yet alive, and so Sorri bartered his few gold ornaments in return for food and water.

In fact, the off-shore "island" became a useful site for fishermen forst to moor, and later to deposit younger crew members to line fish from the wrecks whilst others manned the ships off-shore.

Detritus built up and the wrecks soon became an isalnd in their own right, known as Sorri's Lair (although Sorri himself died in an regrettable incident involving a jug of brown ale, three kippers, and a pair of pedigree ferrets).

By the time of the Conquest, the island had become accepted as a small estate of its own, within the Manor of Tucksend, held by Guthrig Brown-Trizer and his son Ethel-Fryd. A causeway stretched most of the way from the shore, and a wooden palisade marked out the island's bounds even during the highest tides (which were not now as high as they had been). When Tucksend was granted, by the Conqueror, to Count Eugen Bocker-Breker, a Teutonic ally of his at Hastings, the populace prepared to exchange one land-lord for the other. Guthrig quietly slipped away one night, and returned to family in deep Fresia, whilst Ethel-Fryd Brown-Trizer made himself useful hoping to take a prestigious position as Eugen's panzi-boy, if he satisfied the Teuton. In the event Count Eugen proved a harsh master and many of the villagers in Tucksend quietly upped and made their way to Sorri's Lair, emerging only to do menial land-service and attend the local market. As time went on, this proved inconvenient for many of the villagers, and they began to consider a more permanent solution. Count Eugen was frequently away at Court, and he was wont to leave his estates to the management of his Steward, Cynric the Sinful. By divers means, the villagers persuaded Cynric that his soul would be the more secure if he were to look the other way on certain days, and little by little they transported their houses, animals, and the best of their grazing lands from the mainland to the island. Finally, when Count Eugen was about to return, they decamped wholesale to Sorri's Lair, by now simply known as the Ham, or village, and destroyed the causeway, preventing Eugen from reaching them. Three times he tried to send men over but each time the tides made the attempt too dangeous, and eventually he was forced to acknowledge their independence, in return for their agreement to farm their former lands for him. Thus the Ham was accepted as separate from Tucksend, and it took the name of the chief amongst the villagers, Snead the Sober.

The rising sea levels of the 13th century, which also led to the loss of much if not all of King John's household whilst crossing the Wash, also seriously endangered Snead's Ham: many of its inhabitants returned to the mainland, rather than risk being swept away. The mainland had also altered: Tucksend had been consumed by the tide, as, later, Dunwich was to be; Snead's Ham ended up being a reduced appenage some five miles off shore. Assiduous work by those remaining on the island, who bought in additional timberings for the palisade, and rock and earth for the palisaded area, kept the Ham in existence and by the 15th century some degree of stability had returned, with the Ham supporting the farming of estuarine sheep, sea-kale, salt grains, and the production of ille-gally, a cross between ale and liquor.

The Little Ice Age which hit Europe during the 16th and 17th centuries meant that the Ham was even further isolated, with the frozen estuary making access very hazardous. It was at this time that the inhabitants decided that, since England provided very little by way of benefit for them, they would effectually secede. At the same time, the effort of administering a small area of land six to eight miles from the nearest town, and in practice at sea, meant that the local magistrates ceased to claim jurisdiction, and the settlement was struck from the Rent Rolls.

During the Dutch wars of the 17th century it looked as though Sneadsham (as it was by then known) might be seized as a strategic locale by either side. However the peculiar effects of the long settlement on the sea-bed around the island meant that navigation by anything larger than a rowing boat was extremely hazardous if one wanted to land, and the inhabitants knew exactly where to place blockages to secure the few safe channels there were. In the event both sides agreed to leave the island alone, and the inhabitants in turn agreed to not to lead the two navies' ships onto hazardous rocks, for the purposes of plunder. It is from this period that the Dutch influence in Sneadsham arises, precipitated by the stranding of half a dozen mariners when their barque floundered in a gale.

Over the subsequent centuries, as the sea levels fell, the Ham became able to farm more and more land, and its inhabitants were quick to do so, to obtain rights over the land before the English tried to do so. The uncertainty of the terrian meant that railways were never going to be feasible, but as the farmlands extended, so the roads went with them, and Sneadsham was conncted to both sides of the estuary. The associated settlments of Wyke Dipping and Duff Myvers were established, wthin their own palisades (for the spring tides were still prone to sweep across the flat terrain, scouring the mudflats) and the church of St.Heimdall-in-the-Waters was joined by All Saints' Chapel at Utter Point, by a Conventicle and Tabernacle at the junction of the High Road and Dripping Way, and by an Atheists' Reading Room in the Masonic Hall and Thermal Baths.

Sneadsham remained resolutely neutral during both World Wars, although no bar was put on young men who wished to enlist. Stories of German infiltrators, arriving by inflatable dinghy, being imprisoned in the basement of the Constable's Lodging (the office of Constable had existed in the Ham since shortly after Snead's foundation; Sir Robert Peel's version has never been adopted) and drowning there in high tides, has never been verified. The Ham Museum (4-8pm alternate Tuesdays and Fridays) has an unequalled display of Reichs-Marine insignia recovered from the Ham's sluice-nets.

The Ham is presently governed by a Ruling Council, elected by all land-owners aged over 42, on the thrid Thursday in March each year (subject to that not being the night of European Cup matches). The Council is composed of all the men of the Ham aged over 42, and presently has 11 Conservative members, 8 Labour members, 5 members of the Orange party, and 42 members of the "Hang All The Englishmen -- We Rule Ourselves" Alliance, also known as the Beer-Drinkers' Party.

The main export of the Ham is of its potables -- sheep beer and salt vermouth are prized in Norfolk, and there is a steady traffic with certain London establishments where patrons drink ille-gally heartily.